Monday, September 13th

I woke up this morning recalling a dream. I dreamed I placed my head next to my dad and he spoke to me through his thoughts. He told me that this process was difficult. I can not imagine what is going through his mind and how frustrating it must be for a man such as himself, an encourager and a man who is wonderful at speaking affirming words to those he loves, to not be able to respond when family and friends express their love and memories. I know there is so much he is desperate to say, so much love he wants to express in return. That is why I am so thankful that I come from a family who daily expresses their love for one another. We have no regret. We all know how much he loves us and he, in return, knows how incredibly loved he is.

I have enjoyed today. I have been able to spend time just sitting with dad, sometimes snuggling with him. He is sleeping most of the day, so when he is awake we soak in these precious moments. We surround his bedside and relive memories and encourage him with words reminding him of the man he is.

My sweet girls love their PaPa. They both have tender hearts towards him. Sweet Milia Mae has always had a special connection. Before dad was diagnosed, Milia loved to snuggle and give him kisses. She has always gravitated towards him. It has been difficult for me to watch my little girl desperately try to get to her PaPa and for him not be able to hold her. She loves to come into his room and point to his bedside. As soon as someone picks her up she wants to bend down and give him kisses.

the day before brain surgery. milia was soaking in the snuggles and kisses.

And my sweet Aubren… I am so glad that she feels comfortable being in his room. She was hesitant the first time she saw him in his hospital bed but now she loves to be with him. She is curious and beginning to ask a lot of questions. She was sitting with my sister the other day watching dad sleep. She leaned her head against Amy’s chest and simply said, “I wish PaPa didn’t have cancer.” She has also said, “I just want PaPa to play with me again.” To my sweet girl: I hope you know that your PaPa desperately wants to play with you too! And to both of my precious girls: I want you to always know that your PaPa was crazy about both of you. You were special treasures to him.

proudly holding her chapstick that she has graciously shared with PaPa

Aubren walked in the other day proudly showing off her new hair braid to dad. As she left the room dad looked at me and said, “she looks pretty”. It is very rare to hear him speak words other than "yes" or "no." It meant so much to me, hearing his voice, and knowing how difficult is was for him to express those words meant even more. One of the last sentences he will ever speak was to tell me my daughter was pretty. What a treasure that moment was to me and I hope it will be to Aubren as well someday.

I remember, as a child, struggling with never knowing my grandpa Sam, my dad’s father. He passed away before I was born and I remember many times crying in the arms of my dad wishing that I had been able to know him and to have shared memories together.

I am so sad that my girls will not have their PaPa and that they will not be able to make many more memories with him. I am sad that he will not get to experience their first theater performance, their recitals, their first day of school, their birthdays, their graduations, their weddings, and so much more that our life will bring us. But I am eternally grateful that they knew one another even if their time together was short.