Daddy is still with us.
This process continues to be a huge emotional roller coaster for all of us. Last Sunday, when he started breathing irregularly, I thought it was the end; but then we were told he could live up to ten more days. Now, 5 days later - 4 days without water - he has begun what is known as the death rattle. I again, believed it was the end. But the nurses say that they have seen patients go for many days with this cough.
My emotions are all over the place. I have wanted this part of our journey to end, so I find myself discouraged at the uncertainty. But then I begin to reminisce over the last five days. I think about how much I have enjoyed this time with my mom, sister, and father. And so I find peace when the nurse says to me, "your father is comfortable, he is surrounded by his loved ones, and he is not ready to leave." It reminds me that I have no control and I need to, moment by moment, relish the time with my dad.
This process continues to be a huge emotional roller coaster for all of us. Last Sunday, when he started breathing irregularly, I thought it was the end; but then we were told he could live up to ten more days. Now, 5 days later - 4 days without water - he has begun what is known as the death rattle. I again, believed it was the end. But the nurses say that they have seen patients go for many days with this cough.
My emotions are all over the place. I have wanted this part of our journey to end, so I find myself discouraged at the uncertainty. But then I begin to reminisce over the last five days. I think about how much I have enjoyed this time with my mom, sister, and father. And so I find peace when the nurse says to me, "your father is comfortable, he is surrounded by his loved ones, and he is not ready to leave." It reminds me that I have no control and I need to, moment by moment, relish the time with my dad.
I was talking to one of my parent's sweet friends, who has walked this path before, and she asked me if I had said goodbye. I realized I hadn't - I have spent my time loving on him, but have not spoken to him about the finality of this process. Our friend believes that sometimes those dying have unfinished business or need some sort of closure before they can let go. So tonight I said my goodbye.
I reminded him of wonderful memories. I told him how much I love him and will miss him. I talked to him about the love that Trey and I have for one another, and how we would be a support for each other. I told him that we would love our children and raise them in way that would make him proud. His desire for me has always been to go farther than he ever did - relationally and spiritually - and I promised him that I would. I sang "Amazing Grace" to him and also "Butterfly Kisses", the song he used to sing to me and the one we danced to at my wedding. I told him his legacy would live on through his grandchildren and their children. I finished by giving him kisses. It was difficult to not receive them in return, but I believe in my heart he felt them.
I've been worried of how to delicately handle this situation with Aubren; I want to give her a sense of closure, but have been unsure how to do it without traumatizing her. I did not want her to just come over here and him be gone; but, I also haven't known how to approach the subject of his impending death.
She is a smart little girl, though, and she senses and knows that something is wrong. So this morning, before she and Trey came over to see me, he asked if she had any question about PaPa. She paused for a moment then simply asked, "does cancer make you die?" When I heard this I thought, "well, there is her closure."
They spoke about what death is, what will happen to her PaPa, and where his spirit will live on forever. After this conversation she came over, and with a sweet and compassionate heart she told her PaPa goodbye. Then she walked out, blowing him kisses for the last time.
She is a smart little girl, though, and she senses and knows that something is wrong. So this morning, before she and Trey came over to see me, he asked if she had any question about PaPa. She paused for a moment then simply asked, "does cancer make you die?" When I heard this I thought, "well, there is her closure."
They spoke about what death is, what will happen to her PaPa, and where his spirit will live on forever. After this conversation she came over, and with a sweet and compassionate heart she told her PaPa goodbye. Then she walked out, blowing him kisses for the last time.
1 comment:
Stacy -
Thank you so much for pouring out your heart through this blog. I know that it can't be easy to be so open and raw with the world, but your honesty is a blessing. Nathan has told me what a Godly man your dad was and what a special relationship you and your dad had.
We are praying for you and your entire family: that God will continue to give you comfort, that He will allow you and Trey to have the right words for your sweet girls, that all you do will honor your father and his memory and in doing so bring Glory to our Heavenly Father.
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